Week 10 – Date
Is it going to last? Have I passed the feeing sick stage and suddenly gained some energy over night for good? This week I have felt normal, normal as in more myself and not a hormonal tired mess who wants to crawl into bed all day. This week I have fallen even more in love with Rob with how thoughtful, caring and helpfully he is being. I have always considered myself very lucky to have him in my life but I can honestly say I couldn’t ask for a better pregnancy partner.
week 11 – Fig
Our scan is next week! You know in week ten I said I felt amazing? That didn’t last long but I don’t feel as sick as I did a few weeks ago on the plus. I have had a few cramps in my back, I can’t sleep on my right side or I will wake up with the worst hip pains. I am so scared that I will end up with bad pelvic/hips pains like I did with Logan which ended up triggering me to get the worst anxiety/depression. I was so nervous with every twinge I felt with Logan that I went off sick from work at 20 weeks to not return for over a year. I get the same twinges now but seeing Logan reinsures me that maybe that was okay? I guess as my belly grows everything is getting shifted, I’m carrying extra weight, even so I have been extremely lazy when not at work to not push my body.
I think I will suffer with anxiety forever. I cried infront of Rob the other night and I mean I was a mess. I have been bottling up so much laity the fear of what if something went wrong at the scan? what if Logan hates having to share me? What if I am rubbish mum to two? What if I don’t love the baby? As you can tell by my last question I was being extremely hormonal and freaking out as our scan is approaching. We have two days to wait and I am not feeling excited as such. Like I am excited for the day that I am in labour and know everything went okay. I am not excited for the uncertainty of anything can happen, see my brain is not my friend! Why would I think of all these negative things! I just need the scan to happen now so I can smile, so I can kick myself and say look everything is fine. To just enjoy these moments and not think of the but what if this happens.
13 – Kiwi
And relax. I fell so inlove today with something that is healthy, growing and just perfect. It felt so right looking at it and imagining it coming home next year to grow with us as a family. I am so lucky to have Logan and now find myself lucky again when I am going through something many women can only dream of, I just need to relax and think positively. I guess reading so many sad storied that are all over Facebook make us all realise life isn’t perfect for everyone and that life can be cruel. I need to not thinking of negative outcomes like I did with Logan as I was convinced with him that I wouldn’t take a baby home and I don’t know why. I know the past few weeks I have been a bit negative and emotional but I am not going to sugar coat this post. The feelings are real and one thing I have learnt these past three years is that saying yeah I am fine, feeling fine and happy when I am not is not healthy for me. When I vent how I feel like I did in week ten with my cry to Rob I felt so much better after. Now that I start the second trimester I hope that I get some energy back. Everything google tells us is right yeah? I hope so after it says symptoms start to pass and hormones calm down.
Sorry for the long post, if you even make it this far. I will from now hopefully do weekly updates- That’s if I get some energy long enough to blog. What was pregnancy like for you? Did you find yourself a hormonal mess while waiting for a scan.
part 1 is here